The Enlightenment Hoax: You’re on the Wheel, Buddha’s on the Wheel, We’re All on the Cosmic Hamster Wheel — Listen up, seekers and know-it-alls: this article isn’t here to hold your hand. It’s here to break the grip of illusory enlightenment you think you have, or you think Buddha achieved. Forget your mantras, your prayers, your pious hopes. Forget everything you think you know about enlightenment and reincarnation.

(And Why You’re Not Manifesting Anything) — Hey, you. Yeah, you — the one who’s been chanting mantras, meditating on mountaintops, and guzzling down fluoride-free water in a desperate attempt to pry open that elusive third eye… …Sit down. We need to talk. The Illusion of the Closed Third Eye You think your third eye is closed, huh? That’s cute. You’re like a fish…

— And the Truth You’re Missing — Grab a Seat, Pal Hey there, bright-eyed spiritual wanderer. Cushion: check. Incense: lit. Your eyes are closed and your lips are buzzing with some mantra… …off you go, shooting for the stars on your spaceship to enlightenment. Let’s halt the countdown, buddy. That rocket is missing some crucial parts. I’m going to tell you…

You’re More Blind Than Your Vision Board, Kid — Gather ‘round, all you spiritual window shoppers. Oh, you seekers with glue-sticks, pasting mansions and dollar bills next to sunsets and Om symbols. Hate to break it to you, but your vision board is as blind as a bat. And not one of those echolocating smarty-pants bats. No, we’re talking…

Hey, congrats. You’re in the spirituality club, complete with an initiation ceremony that involves saying “Namaste” without smirking. Burning incense? Check. Green juice? Yup. Yoga? You even nailed the Scorpion pose. But for all your bending and burning, you’re not much closer to whatever the hell “enlightenment” means. …

The Eternal Tease of Nirvana — You’re curious about Nirvana, right? You’ve pored over ancient texts, maybe spent a lifetime sitting cross-legged on meditation cushions. You think you’re edging closer. Cute. I’ve been to the edge of that abyss and back. …

The Distraction You Didn’t Know You Needed — You’ve heard the stories, right? Little Timmy, barely four, starts talking about his past life as a World War II pilot. Or maybe it’s Sarah, who swears she was Cleopatra in a previous incarnation. Fascinating tales that make you wonder if reincarnation is real or just another spiritual sideshow. But…

Ah, narcissism. The buzzword that’s become the personality disorder du jour. Psychologists babble on about it; poets lament it. But can spiritual enlightenment slap it right out of your system? Maybe, maybe not. It’s like asking if a mirror can fix your looks. Only one way to find out —…

Ah, you think you’re the master of your destiny? That your thoughts shape your world like some cosmic Lego set? Get ready for a wake-up call. Why should you even care? The short answer: freedom. Tangled in a web of thoughts, people labor under the illusion of control. Yeah, right…